"awww... i hate the waiting game!"

i've lost it. i'm sick of graduate school; sick of boring classes and useless seminars. i'm sick trading my sanity in exchange for progress towards a career i don't even know if i want. burned out you ask? maybe so. or maybe i'm just questioning this whole ordeal. two years ago, graduate school was the full-proof plan. free education, real research experience, PLUS $18K a year; how could this not be a good idea? well if you have a serious plan, a direction, or ANY general idea for a career, it's a great idea. i had none of these.

i'm currently reading robert peters' getting what you came for and it only took 2 paragraphs for me to realize i went to grad school for the WRONG reasons; because i wasn't sure what else i could do. stupid book was supposed to help me get through, not make me regret joining.

but it's not that i'm just fed up with being a student. lately i've just felt a dissatisfation with my involvement. let me clarify. i have passed all my classes, found a decent thesis advisor, and even begun to make progress on my research. granted, i haven't put in 110% and could probably be a little farther along than i am, but no one would say that i'm doing poorly. rather, my dissatisfaction seems more personal. here i am, curious and investigating the phenomenon of living beings, which i firmly believe to be among the most nobel causes, but for what? i don't impact anyone's life, i don't help make a difference. i just investigate bacteria. this can get very frustrating when you know other people who have real jobs and make real contributions to the world, or people who give their lives in service to others. those are people who are doing things, those are the people of whom i'm jealous.

so i guess you could say i'm sick of waiting. sick of biding my time in the annals of academia working towards a greater, more abstract state of scholasticism, from which i'm supposed to be able to change the world. but from within the system, i can now understand the self proclaimed prestige that many individuals carry once they reach that goal towards which i'm heading. they've all worked hard, they deserve the respect no doubt. but what good are they if they can argue over the intricacies of gene regulation in mutant fruit flies? everyone of them would argue that it serves the greater understanding, the constant progression of scientific thought, and may someday contribute to a higher quality of life for all. surely we'd all agree this is as noble a cause as any other. but such romance in the real world is manifested many times as nothing more than a paper in a prestigious journal. ideas in print that will make some kiss your ass and others fiercly refute every word. this is the dream of many exceptional scientists.

but i said i'm sick of waiting. i want to start changing the world now. don't ask me how, that's why i'm in graduate school; because i lack a better idea. but these other people i speak of, the ones making a difference and impacting lives, they're not any smarter (well, not all of them) or better than i am. so what do they have that i don't? GUTS! guts to try something hard that puts them outside of their comfort zone. guts to live somewhere far from home without guaranteed financial stability. and they do it all in the name of service because they are happy helping other people, no matter the cost. so why don't i do it? why don't i make the step out of 'comfortable' and into 'significant,' into a life with purpose and full of people that benefit from my gifts and talents? part of me is ready to quit tomorrow and find a job hundreds of miles away where i know lives are benefiting from my service. but i don't. i stay here; unhappy and stuck in a rut, unable to take the risk. what am i so afraid of?