the beer nuts

so in my previous post, i mentioned my failed application to become the beer advisory columnist for michigan state's student newspaper the state news. if you haven't heard, i didn't get the job. sadly they decided to give it to chris michner and kyle miller who, i'm told, have "more brewing experience." now for those of you who've tasted my homebrew (ok maybe not the cherry cream ale) should be rolling on the floor right down in a puddle of your own urine. i'm sure captain accountant and first mate physiology (yeah, i facebooked their bitch asses) have churned out half a dozen quality brews from their highly advanced, just-add-water mr beer kit. about a week ago their first column appeared on the newspaper's website rambling some shit about pumpkin beers, but writing seemed entertaining. today tweedle-dee and tweedle-dumb saw print for the first time with: savor these brews to survive the holidays. i encourage you all to read it.

now this "review" is a true journalistic gem, if i might say... or i could actually be honest and call it the most bland, unoriginal, and uninspiring description of four beers i've ever read in my entire life!!! for starters, they attempt to tackle holiday spice beers, a difficult subject because they embody flavors that just don't seem to belong in a beer. the sad part is, i almost enjoy their writing style... right up until they actually start talking about the beverages they're giving advice on! i personally enjoy their excessive use of the word "flavor" - 13 times in a 698 word article, sometimes even more than once in the same sentence: "the most prominent of the FLAVORS you will experience is the telltale FLAVOR and sweetness of the honey added to the brew. " granted, i was not an english major in college, but i'm smarted enough to know a little word variety is a good thing! best of all they never even bother to discuss what the hell a holiday spice beer's FLAVOR should be!! these numb-nuts are writing to 40,000+ students many of which spend saturday nights drinking natural light until they puke!! they don't have a freaking clue what the hell a winter white should taste like. all they know is that six of them cost the same as a 30 pack of their usual swill!!

but alas, these fine gentlemen are, after all 'experts' and i appreciate their advice. i can't wait to read their next insightful joyride into the vast unknown frontier of fermented magic as only a 6th grade vocabulary can facilitate. thus giving me even more reasons to hate the state news. honestly, if it wasn't for the sports coverage, the comics, and the $5 tax added to my tuition, i probably would never pick up a "free" copy on my way into the lab.

exploring beer diversity

when the msu newspaper (the state news) solicited for someone to write a beer advisory column i just had to sumbit an entry for application. i figure i know as much, probably more, than most of the lousy undergrads on campus. the enditor has yet to return my email and i'm doubtful my work will ever see print. but i wrote the damn thing and someone ought to read it. so i present it here for my single loyal reader:

Whether you chalk it up to nature or nurture, I have undoubtedly picked up my father’s knack for obscure beers and his never-ending desire to explore the previously untasted. He sets a firm example, making sure never to stock our refrigerator with lesser Budweiser or Miller barley pops, but instead with domestic and foreign craft ales. Exotic beers have become our obsession and my father is unquestionably proud to see me carry on the family tradition. Our every conversation centers on our latest beer encounters, and I don’t dare drive home to visit my parents without a fresh six-pack of Michigan microbrew.

We have developed a family code that strictly governs our consumption practices; steering us away from the commonplace and towards the exploration of beers with more character. The most enjoyable part of being a beer-drinker is the ongoing pursuit of newfangled brews, and I never tire of searching for something novel to try. Beer’s greatest strength lies with its diversity. I hate to see people stuck in a rut, always ordering the same watered-down long-neck at every bar. With the hope of encouraging fledging beer connoisseurs everywhere, I’ve assembled a short guide for expanding your beer repertoire.

Start by experimenting with styles. The style of a beer defines its basic characteristics, such as: color, bitterness, body, aroma, and alcohol content. Historically, the assorted styles arose from the various ingredients used in different locations. These include: yeast strain, brewing technology, water quality, and even politics. Today, styles provide us with a vocabulary for discussing and comparing beers, while taking into consideration their different composition. Most novice drinkers, being accustomed to megabrewed swill, should start with smooth amber ales before progressing either towards more bitter IPAs or towards rich, creamy porters. Don’t be afraid to try as many styles as possible because each offers a different glimpse at beer’s complex nature. Each has a true staple example that can provide you with a fair representation of what that style has to offer.

Finding styles you prefer will greatly reduce your field of possibilities and you can begin to investigate different brewers’ interpretations. Although a style dictates the primary ingredient make-up and flavor characteristics, an element of artistry exists in brewing. The dream of every brewmaster is to develop a recipe that fits the established style guidelines but still has its own unique taste. Sample different iterations within a style and you should begin to develop a nose for the core composition of that style and appreciate how different brewers make it their own. Now, when confronted with a new beer, you can guess whether you’ll enjoy it or not because you have experimented within the style it represents.

Like all beer drinking, experimentation of new brews is best done with friends. More bars are increasing their selection, but don’t expect to find the truly obscure ones on tap at your local watering hole. Host a themed beer party and invite everyone to bring a different six-pack. You can choose from various themes like: regional beers, Michigan microbrews or German imports; style, stouts or fruit beers; or the totally extraordinary, non-English labels only. Whatever your theme may be, it provides a great opportunity for a group of friends to try many different beers without individually committing more than $10. Be sure to have small taster cups on hand because more than six people will want to try each beer, and you’ll undoubtedly crack one that you won’t want to finish.

It’s only fair to warn all you fledging connoisseurs of the risks inherent in beer experimentation. First, the craft beers I’m talking about, whether microbrew or import, will cost you more than say, the everyman’s case of Bud Lite. Be selective and make your purchases count because $9.00 six packs quickly add up to make an expensive hobby. Second, you’re going to encounter beers you won’t ever want to drink again. Not every beer should to appeal to you, but that’s the point of the whole process. You’re trying to broaden your horizons and experience the rich diversity of beers out there and they can’t possibly all be to your liking. I can remember a few dank beer experiences of my own, including a $40 case of Trois Pistoles that left me with 23 bottles in need of ‘alternate disposal.’ Third, you’re bound to get mixed reactions from your peers. In a perfect world, you would be quickly elevated to the role of resident beer aficionado, revered for your cool, sophisticated and refined palate. After all, you have methodically tested beers across the full spectrum of taste and color, while you’re friends slammed cans of PBR every night. However, people could just as easily write you off as a beer snob prick. It’s a chance you take.

But my hope is really that you learn something from a journey in beer exploration. Learn that beer has much more to offer than what the mass-producing factories of Anheuser Busch, Miller, and Coors try to force feed you. Learn that although most brews fall into defined styles, every brewer (especially the small ones) adds their own flair, which results in limitless taste variability. But once you find a style you like, you should be able to rely on it when drinking at any new pub or brewery. So be bold, step away from that pedestrian, watered-down beer you've been drinking, and reach for something with a little more character.

reflections on 26.2

it has now been exactly two weeks since i completed the LeSalle Bank Chicago Marathon!! it took me a while, but i've finally accepted the fact that i really did run a marathon. if you read the previous post, you'll see that was pretty anxious during the week before the event... pretty NEGATIVE anxious to be more precise. true is, with all my ITBS problems, i really didn' t think i had a shot in hell of running the whole distance. and frankly, that PISSED ME OFF, a lot.

but i have to give some credit to my sister and her housemates. i know they were all pretty worried for me but none of them showed it. they were nothing but positive and supportive. i knew that i had to participate in one capacity or another. i knew that the start would be just as exhilarating as the finish. i knew that if i could run the first 10 and walk the rest, i'd still make it before the course closed. on the morning of oct 22, i don't know if it was their prayers, my adrenaline, the extra support straps on my IT band, or the gram of aleve running through my veins, but i made it! i ran every single one of those 26.2 miles!!!! and had a blast doing it!!!

running this marathon has easily become the one of the greatest things i've ever done. it was truly one of those big life accomplishments. i spent 4:51:50 just strolling around chicago with my sister and 34,ooo other crazy people to the sound of constant support from 1.5 million spectators!!! the first 22 miles really went fast! between the live bands, crazy spectators, friends we met along the way and all the other people, there are plenty of things to distract you from your throbbing legs! the last four however, were hell. by that point i started to realize how close we were to the finish. and so instead of just having fun in the moment, i started to think about the finish line, and it seemed like those last few miles took an eternity, literally!

despite the fact i could hardly walk for 2-3 days afterward, it really did take a few days to fully realize what i had done. and honestly it feels pretty good! i think i've shown EVERYONE my finisher's medal because damnit, i'm proud of my accomplishment. everyone asks me 'will you do another one?' sure, i think i'd like to run more marathons. knowing that i've made it once, really makes it more attainable. the marathon is no longer this lofty, insurmountable obstacle. there is, however, always room for improvement. my training was wrought with injury and i'm curious how much better i could have done with the training plan i had hoped to complete. but it will be a few years before i have another try at it and i'd like to pick a location a little warmer than chicago. but i plan on telling my grandkids that "i ran my FIRST marathon in chicago when i was 25."

i'm not smiling

no, i'm not smiling! why you ask? well cause shit just isn't going my way these days. for starters, i've spend the last 8 months thinking about one day: october 22 and the chicago marathon! i'll admit that registering for a marathon this early in my running "career" was a bold move. but my sister was hard set, and so i decided to go for it! but injuries totally botched my whole summer training plans and just when i thought i had the whole ITBS thing beat, it flares up with 2 months to go. now here i am, exactly 7 days from the main event, and i'm good for about 6 miles before sharp pains shoot through my knee. i honestly don't think i can do this and therefore why should i even start!! and don't give me that bullshit about not being a failure for stopping in the middle. don't tell me about all the things i gained in the last 8 months of exercise. how can you expect me to stand at the starting line knowing full well defeat and disappointment are inevitable, the only variable is how long i want to be in pain!! what's the point in running through immense pain to complete the first 10 miles of a 26.2 mile event?!

plus i don't think i've generated a lick of data in the last 2.5 months. no seriously, i haven't achieved ANYTHING in the lab since july. this will really help my already delayed progress. i'm officially trapped in graduate school and my advisor doesn't seem the least bit concerned about how i continue to get pushed back farther and farther. my only hope is that the program director gets fed up and kicks my ass out of the program!

the only thing in my life that could be classified as going relatively well is my TA assignment in fundamental genetics. i love working with my students and teaching the recitation but the work is damn-near shy of overwhelming and the professor is just busting our balls! but it would be all worth it if i could chalk it up as "valuable teaching experience" or a good contribution to my "teaching portfolio" but considering i have NO aspirations to become a teacher, it's really just sucking up my time and energy. i'm not getting paid to teach this class, i'm getting paid to work in the lab... something i can't find time to do because of this damn class!

oh yeah, and it's now officially been 2 WEEKS since my birthday and apparently my present is "IN THE MAIL." so how long am i supposed to expose myself to this shit?! i'm really doing my best to make progress, more forward, be open and forthcoming... but seriously, i can only handle so much disappointment and tolerate so much superficial conversation. if you really do care, START ACTING LIKE IT!

so no, i'm not fucking smiling right now.

quarter century

this year i have decided my obligatory birthday moment of reflection will be more about resolutions for the future than ramblings about another year past. i started my day with a run in the dinosaur dash 5k; a beautiful 3.1 miles of autumn reflection, then noon mass at st john. surprisingly, the gospel (mark 9:38-48) and fr mark's always excellent homily totally cemented this year's birthday resolution. it's time i got back to being the person i thought i am; living and acting the way i always thought i did. admittedly, this sounds really bizarre. but think about it. we all have some kind of self image but if we slip away from that little by little, pretty soon we're not who we thought we were. me? i've slipped pretty far. a 5k run, today's gospel, and fr mark's homily all reinforced something i already knew; i haven't been acting like who i want to be and i have the power to stop!! all i have to do is start acting, thinking, speaking, living like the person i am. (1) i'm going to cut out all these negative relationships in my life; stop giving my time and energy to people who aren't helping me achieve my best self. (2) i'm going to turn some of my shallow, fluff relationships into truer, more meaningful friendships. (3) i'm going to remember why i'm proud to have grown up catholic, why it's important to attend mass every week, and start acting accordingly. (4) i'm going to restore my balanced lifestyle of equal growth physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. i've drifted into a void. a void where i've lost sight of all the things that used to make me who i am. it's about damn time i got back to those fundamental values and practices, shook off the complacency, and started taking positive steps towards a fuller, more vibrant, well rounded mike. year 26 of my life is the perfect year for such an adventure.

my weekend. by the numbers.

10 - hours i spent grading genetics exams on friday afternoon/evening.
0 - number beers i was able to have at the bar on friday night.
11 - full, unbroken bottles of beer in labatt blue 12 pack i purchased from meijer.
19 - unanswered points given up my michigan state in the fourth quarter.
9 - text messages i received from my ex-girlfriend on saturday.
4 - sleeping bodies i had to step over to get out of my apartment sunday morning.
3 - miles i was able to run sunday morning in the capital city river run 10 miler before my damn knee started hurting again.
8:43 - fastest mile i ran in the ccrr.
14:40 - slowest mile i ran/walked in the ccrr.
100 - approximate number of old people that shuffled past me during my walk-breaks in the ccrr.
4 - weeks until the chicago marathon.
0 - probability that i will be able to actually complete all 26.2 miles of the chicago marathon.
2 - visits to pearle vision, one pick-up and one return for new glasses that they broke.
7 - days until i turn 25.
-20 - my excitement to go to work tomorrow (scale: 1-10).

my single roommate...

my single roommate is WAY more fun to hang out with than my old, super-committed relationship, whipped so bad his balls are in a jar, roommate. after breaking up with his long-time lady, my roommate can now actually be found in lansing on the weekends hanging out with his friends and doing fun stuff. not only that, but the boy has released his inner undergrad and enjoys frequenting crazy bars chasing after hot tail! which means only one thing; i get to also frequent crazy bars chasing after hot tail! in general it's a mutual wing-man effort, and i've had to play my turn running interference against unwanted teases. although we celebrate successful phone number acquisitions, most of the time it's really just a lot of late night drinking! honestly i'm not sure how long i can keep up. but i promise i'm riding this wave as far as possible!

complain, complain

if you've spoken to me at all in the last six months (we're talking real conversation here, not the bullshit 5min 'hi how are you?' stuff) then there's a good chance i complained about my displeasure with graduate school. between the seeming irrelevant course work, mind-numbing seminars, nagging administrators, and countless hours of painstakingly slow and directionless research, there really is a lot of reasons why i don't enjoy being a graduate student. believe it or not, i've actually done so much complaining, that i've even begun to notice it. so the obvious question i ask myself is therefore: "self, at what point does this become more than just the standard, basal level of whining, and come to represent a real problem with my current career direction?" no seriously, am i complaining because this grueling program is channeling me into a career path that i don't want, by way of a phd that i was never really sure i needed? or am i just bitching because, like you and everyone else i know, i'm inherently lazy and it feels good to let off some steam while still getting all my work done... just in the nick of time? some how i must decide whether it's best to get the hell out of here and pursue something that i really enjoy, or just suck it up and earn the phd and the opportunities (and restrictions) that come with it. now how the hell am i going to find time to do that between all my classes, experiments, and teaching requirements?!

bitch, i'm back

news flash, it's been 6 months since i've posted anything on this thing! what the duce?! so when i started this whole "blog-thing" it was supposed to be a collection of my thoughts, rants, complaints, observations, etc. and i tried to make them sort of complete. well i'm just too damn lazy and writing these entries became too much like writing short essays. but now i'm back and i'm changing my format. from now on, this blog will still be about me bitching, commenting, and rambling, but everything will be in one paragraph or less. if i can't get you to understand what's pissing me off in the world this week in 5-6 sentences, we should both start drinking. so look forward to very blunt, and direct opinions from my clutter mind... maybe even more than just once every three months if you're lucky.

hey discovery!

i've always been interested in the public evolution vs. intelligent design (ID) controversy. i say 'public' because that's really the only arena in which it actually is a controversy. any self-respecting scientist excepts the basic principles of darwinian evolution supported by both classic and more modern molecular evidence and recognizes that intelligent design is poorly re-tooled version of neo-creationism! but public perception is a powerful thing and thus the 'controversy' lives on.

the 'intellectual' command center for intelligent design could be the discovery institute, who describe them selves as "a non-profit, non-partisan, public policy think tank headquartered in seattle and dealing with national and international affairs." their mission statement:

"to make a positive vision of the future practical. the institute discovers and promotes ideas in the common sense tradition of representative government, the free market and individual liberty. our mission is promoted through books, reports, legislative testimony, articles, public conferences and debates, plus media coverage and the institute's own publications and Internet website."

i like to visit their website every once in awhile when i'm feeling down and need a good laugh. here are some examples.

in response to the recent changes in science teaching standards in ohio, casey luskin, program officer for public policy and legal affairs has this to say:

"“darwin-only activists are dumping down the teaching of evolution and stopping science learning, this is nothing more than a gag order on science, a dogmatic approach to education that restricts students from learning about evolution"”

so wait a second. are you telling me that after all this time, discovery institute, the organization that has agressively lobbied for ID by providing council and 'expert' witnesses in every court battle, is now opposing the ohio decision in defense of evolution? who the hell are these people kidding?! honestly, it's pretty damn clear which corner of this boxing match they are in. take for example discovery institute's center for science and culture. the main goals of this program are as follows:

• support research by scientists and other scholars challenging various aspects of neo-darwinian theory,
• support research by scientists and other scholars developing the scientific theory known as intelligent design,
• support research by scientists and scholars in the social sciences and humanities exploring the impact of scientific materialism on culture,
• ecourage schools to improve science education by teaching students more fully about the theory of evolution, including the theory's scientific weaknesses as well as its strenghts,

i reallappreciatete their distiction between neo-darwinism and evolution. apparently they have no bones to pick with evolution but it's neo-darwinism that idestroyingng our society by forcing its supposed materialism on everyone! it would appear that the members of discovery fail to understand that neo-darwinism (better known as the 'new synthesis') represents the unification of every major biological field together to offer the most comprehensive understanding of life; which only makes sense within the frame work of evolution. but my favorite part about the center for science and culture is that it's directors are dr stephen meyer, whose phd is in the history and philosophy of science, and dr john west, whose phd is in government. these guys are not scientists! i appreciate the philosophy of science, i really do, but if your trying to make a compelling scientific argument for something like intelligent design don't get a couple of book worms from the humanities!!

i could go on all day about these nut jobs. i encourage you to check into their website for more classic excerpts. my guess is you'll start to see a continual pattern: discovery institute claims to make scientific arguments to oppose the unified biologicaprincipleses of the new synthesis and support instead the alternative theory of intelligent design. they declare to do so independent of religious or creationistic influence but it's quite clear that their position rests heavily on poorly disguised religious fundamentalism (in some form or another) hell-bent on preventing "materialism" from apparently ruining our society. sadly, the general public is largely uninformed and easily falls victim to their "teach the controversy" ploys to insert creationism into science education where has no place. look for a more direct refutation of intelligent design to come later.

the OTHERS

somewhere in this past week i realized something; OTHER people are a real pain in the ass! think about it. whether you're driving down the road, at work, buying groceries, or sitting in class, these OTHER people really get in the way with their inconsiderate nature and just basic annoyance. i can't even go to church, the place where i'm supposed to be able to escape the confusions of the world, without OTHER people causing disruptions.

for example, lets consider the daily task of driving to work, the mall, doctor, brothel... where ever. i am the kind of driver that is always looking for the most efficient route between two points. i'll take the shortest backroads, i'll drive as fast as reasonably allow. maybe i'm just too impatient or maybe my stupid jeep gets terrible gas mileage. but in my quest to achieve ultimate road travel OTHER drivers are always getting in my way. you've seen them too; they drive 37 in 40 mph zone, never use their blinker, take turns no faster than 2.5 mph, stop immediately when the light turns yellow, never leave the left lane on the interstate, and never let you merge smoothly into traffic. worst of all, when you're running late, all their OTHER driver friends are out there clogging up the road, making it impossible to get there on time.

everyday on campus, i go in and out of buildings and lots of OTHER people are too damn inconsiderate to look behind them and hold the door for you. apparently they're just so busy they have to just let it shut in your face. OTHER people don't share the sidewalk and they use those handicap door openers. nothing drives me crazier that when OTHER people take the elevator up or down just one floor.

when i go to the store. those damn annoying OTHER people leave their shopping carts in the middle of isles, step in front of me while i'm sorting through some items, and even cut you off in the check out lines. you'd swear grocery shopping was now a competitive sport where OTHER people deliberately try to slow me down so they can finish first. i must also mention the OTHER people that work the registers who, because they must stand there all night, dont' realize that i went down the express lane for a reason: i'm in a hurry.

even at church or in class these damn OTHER people can't sit in a room and not talk for 60 minutes. if you're not interested in what's going on, fine, leave or sit there quietly. why do they always have to talk to their neighbors and friends distracting the rest of us. it's nothing more than disrespect.

so i think it's quite clear that OTHER people really get in the way of my daily activities. admittedly i do get frustrated easily sometimes, but the simple underlying fact is people are just simply INCONSIDERATE. i almost wished they really did do all these things to spite, me but the sorry truth is these OTHER people are completely oblivious to the whole thing! are you and i the only normal people in this world? are we the only ones that realize when we're in someone else's way or have enough respect for those around us to behave in social situations? i guess the only thing positive to come out of my observation of the inconsiderate nature of OTHER people is that i now should make a conscious effort to avoid committing such social misdeeds, as long as it doesn't disrupt my own efficient driving.

brewing scientist

i've complained about grad school many times before. it's a lot of work but more importantly, i am frustrated with how everything is geared toward an academic career path. academics are concerned only with training more academics. sure they won't come out and say it. but nothing makes them happier than seeing a student move on to continue doing research as a professor; carrying on the torch and bringing them more credibility.

i however, have never been too drawn to the academic career path and graduate school turns me off to the idea all the time. so what's left for me? beer. that's right. maybe the best use of my graduate degree would be to brew handcrafted beer! talk about a labor of love.

i've already begun experimenting with the fundamentals with homebrewing. so if this little endeavor is going to take off i need to come up with a creative company name. i had one when i started, but it sucked. i'll always be a scientist at hard and i want that to carry over into my beer. the word "alchemy" or "alchemist" because it just makes a cool reference to the ancient beginnings of science and the quest to convert something worthless (lead) into something valuable (gold). just seems like a great analogy. so i need some input, ideas, suggestions... here are some of my initial ideas for a name:

modern alchemy brewing co.
saint alchemist brewing co.
new alchemy brewing co.

i don't know. i just want to find a way to capture my approach to brewing. what do you think?