i'm not smiling

no, i'm not smiling! why you ask? well cause shit just isn't going my way these days. for starters, i've spend the last 8 months thinking about one day: october 22 and the chicago marathon! i'll admit that registering for a marathon this early in my running "career" was a bold move. but my sister was hard set, and so i decided to go for it! but injuries totally botched my whole summer training plans and just when i thought i had the whole ITBS thing beat, it flares up with 2 months to go. now here i am, exactly 7 days from the main event, and i'm good for about 6 miles before sharp pains shoot through my knee. i honestly don't think i can do this and therefore why should i even start!! and don't give me that bullshit about not being a failure for stopping in the middle. don't tell me about all the things i gained in the last 8 months of exercise. how can you expect me to stand at the starting line knowing full well defeat and disappointment are inevitable, the only variable is how long i want to be in pain!! what's the point in running through immense pain to complete the first 10 miles of a 26.2 mile event?!

plus i don't think i've generated a lick of data in the last 2.5 months. no seriously, i haven't achieved ANYTHING in the lab since july. this will really help my already delayed progress. i'm officially trapped in graduate school and my advisor doesn't seem the least bit concerned about how i continue to get pushed back farther and farther. my only hope is that the program director gets fed up and kicks my ass out of the program!

the only thing in my life that could be classified as going relatively well is my TA assignment in fundamental genetics. i love working with my students and teaching the recitation but the work is damn-near shy of overwhelming and the professor is just busting our balls! but it would be all worth it if i could chalk it up as "valuable teaching experience" or a good contribution to my "teaching portfolio" but considering i have NO aspirations to become a teacher, it's really just sucking up my time and energy. i'm not getting paid to teach this class, i'm getting paid to work in the lab... something i can't find time to do because of this damn class!

oh yeah, and it's now officially been 2 WEEKS since my birthday and apparently my present is "IN THE MAIL." so how long am i supposed to expose myself to this shit?! i'm really doing my best to make progress, more forward, be open and forthcoming... but seriously, i can only handle so much disappointment and tolerate so much superficial conversation. if you really do care, START ACTING LIKE IT!

so no, i'm not fucking smiling right now.

quarter century

this year i have decided my obligatory birthday moment of reflection will be more about resolutions for the future than ramblings about another year past. i started my day with a run in the dinosaur dash 5k; a beautiful 3.1 miles of autumn reflection, then noon mass at st john. surprisingly, the gospel (mark 9:38-48) and fr mark's always excellent homily totally cemented this year's birthday resolution. it's time i got back to being the person i thought i am; living and acting the way i always thought i did. admittedly, this sounds really bizarre. but think about it. we all have some kind of self image but if we slip away from that little by little, pretty soon we're not who we thought we were. me? i've slipped pretty far. a 5k run, today's gospel, and fr mark's homily all reinforced something i already knew; i haven't been acting like who i want to be and i have the power to stop!! all i have to do is start acting, thinking, speaking, living like the person i am. (1) i'm going to cut out all these negative relationships in my life; stop giving my time and energy to people who aren't helping me achieve my best self. (2) i'm going to turn some of my shallow, fluff relationships into truer, more meaningful friendships. (3) i'm going to remember why i'm proud to have grown up catholic, why it's important to attend mass every week, and start acting accordingly. (4) i'm going to restore my balanced lifestyle of equal growth physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. i've drifted into a void. a void where i've lost sight of all the things that used to make me who i am. it's about damn time i got back to those fundamental values and practices, shook off the complacency, and started taking positive steps towards a fuller, more vibrant, well rounded mike. year 26 of my life is the perfect year for such an adventure.