wanted

accepting applications now for female associate. responsibilities include conversation, shared meals, watching tv, back rubs, laughing, arm candy duty, and all other general "hanging out"... with the occasional closed door engagement (in due time of course). please send resume and cover letter along with your results from the following survey:

PART A:
do you...

1. recognize the beautiful simplicity of jeans and tshirts?
2. enjoy craft and import beers?
3. attend church regularly?
4. prefer home cooking over restaurant food?
5. enjoy running for more than just the fitness benefit?
6. respect the superior handling of the subaru's all wheel drive system?
7. have a sharp wit?
8. know the names of any of the original wallace and gromit short films?
9. wear glasses?
10. have a nice, squeezable butt?
11. watch and quote seinfeld regularly?
12. play tennis, soccer, and/or ultimate frisbee?
13. know how to goof-off on the dance floor?
    
14. consider yourself a practicing catholic?
15. eat breakfast every day?
16. appreciate the music of phil collins?
17. know how to drive a manual transmission?
18. love when it snows?
19. possess a college degree?
    
20. still watch cartoons?
21. insult me repeatedly in a sarcastic manner?
    
22. enjoy attending live sporting events and actually WATCHING the game?
23. exercise 3 or more times per week?
24. attend graduate school in any field other than genetics?
    
25. love cooking even if you suck at it?

PART B:
do you...

1. order bud, but light, miller lite, or any other donkey piss excuse for beer when you go bars?
2. consider dry-humping a reasonable way to dance to hip-hop music?
   
3. ascribe to some ridiculously restrictive eating regimen?
4. watch soap operas?
5. perpetually listen to your IPOD?

PART C:
do you...

1. frequently visit tanning salons?
2. enjoy casual sex?
3. refuse to go outside without excessive make-up?
4. bench press your body weight and mine combined?
5. touch pee-pees on the dance floor?
6. smoke?
7. show any loyalty to the michigan wolverines?
8. feel the need to call or see me every day?
9. dress like a scank and go to dingy bars EVERY weekend?
10. have any children?

*survey questions subject to change without notice.

SCORING:

tally up the number of 'yes' from PART A and subtract double the number of 'yes' from PART B. this is your total adjusted score (TAS). if...

(TAS = -6 to +5) i'm not really sure your mike material, so write a damn good cover letter, but it's not looking good.
(TAS = +6 to +12) still a pretty weak showing, but considering the lack of options on the table, you may float to the top a pile... because your application IS the pile.
(TAS = +13 to +22) you're right in the ball park of what mike is looking for. review of application material is still needed, but i'd say you have shot.
(TAS = +23 or more) forgo sending any other application materials. just send your address and ring size. you're a done deal!

IMPORTANT:
should you answer any questions in PART C with a 'yes' you are automatically DISQUALIFIED! please do not waste my time by sending your application, it will only be rejected. no exceptions.